Some time ago, I saw someone post on Facebook a series of comics
presenting the issue of consent in everyday circumstances – playing cards,
watching a movie, lifting weights at the gym…
You may have seen them as they’ve made the social media rounds. The intent is to draw a metaphor between the
individual scenarios and instances of rape, demonstrating how absurd it is to
ignore the need for consent in any situation.
Though I can certainly understand and agree with where the cartoonist
is going in these comics, what struck me most as I read them was that the
biggest issue isn’t consent, but understanding the gravity of the situation.
If a friend insists you keep playing a game you’re not enjoying because that’s
what he invited you over for, you might be a little annoyed, but hey, it’s really
just a game.
If my husband has promised me all week that we could watch my girly
chick flick Friday night, then you better believe I’m going to be upset when he
changes his mind on a whim.
On the other hand, if someone takes your car without permission, even
if you would have said yes, that’s a big deal – cars are expensive, come with
all sorts of liabilities, and are often instrumental to our everyday activities.
And if a person decides they don’t want to have sex at any time or
place, with any person, for any reason, that should be respected because sex is
a serious matter – after all, bodies are expensive, come with all sorts of
liabilities, and are instrumental to our everyday activities.
Promoters of liberal love would have us believe that sex is no big
deal. You can hook up, have multiple
partners, define the terms of your sexual relationship any way you want, and
generally do whatever you want when
it comes to sex because sex is just for fun.
Then, they turn around and expect harsh penalties for any individual
who would commit rape because a sexual crime is a huge violation. But you can’t have it both ways.
You cannot convince me that sex is just for fun, no bigger a deal than any
other form of entertainment.
Sex is important – sacred, even.
That’s why forcing someone to watch a movie isn’t against the law;
that’s why forcing someone into a sexual act is.
Why is sex so serious? Because sex is so
much more than fun. It is the means by
which new life is created. It is
intimate. It is passionate. It is absurd.
It is binding. It makes you
vulnerable. It is personal,
interpersonal, and intrapersonal. So
call me old fashioned, but I believe sex should only occur in a
well-established loving and committed relationship. (To me that means marriage, but I won’t get
hung up on this detail for the sake of making a larger point.)
When you treat sex lightly, you’re always risking a miscommunication,
getting involved with someone less than respectful, or making a choice you
might find yourself regretting later.
And mixing casual sex with alcohol is just asking for trouble – if one
person isn’t expected to be sober enough to give a straight yes or no, why is
another expected to stay sober enough to ask for it?
Even when two individuals are sober, consent can really be a confusing
concept. Nine times out of ten, when my
husband wants to have sex I say no – it’s
too late, I’m tired, the baby’s going to wake up right away. Nine times out of ten, after I say no, he
convinces me otherwise.
And you know what? That’s
okay. In fact, it’s better than okay,
it’s great. I never wake up and regret
it the next morning because he’s my husband – I already chose to only have sex
with my significant other, and I already chose my significant other to be
someone that loves and respects me, and that I trust so that when it really
comes down to it, there won’t be any miscommunications, any worry about how
he’ll treat me before, during, or after this night.
And sue me…I kind of enjoy being seduced.
That’s why I can’t accept consent as the main issue, but am certain
there would be many less instances of rape if we spent more time teaching our
children how important sex is instead of how fun and free it can be.
I know that rape is a serious crime that happens in and out of
committed relationships. I would never
aim to undermine the pain felt by survivors of rape. But I believe that when we teach first that
sex is a serious matter, one that should not be taken lightly, we reduce the
number of perpetrators and victims that put themselves in the position to
misconstrue the elements of consent in the first place. We also would inherently be emphasizing all
aspects of consent if individuals embraced the idea that sex should be treated
with respect and gravity.
There will always be evil people that seek to control and abuse; for
these, no number of lectures on the issue of consent or the significance of sex
is likely to help. But for those who are
honest in their intents, which I believe a good number of perpetrators and
victims of rape are, a lesson in the import of sexual intimacy would help to
avoid the undesirable circumstances that lead to situations of rape.
I know this stance won’t be popular with supporters of the idea of free
love. They’re selling the idea that sex
should come without consequences, but the consequences of sex, good and bad, are
real, and cannot be chosen. Sex is a big
deal. And if we want crimes of a sexual
nature to be taken seriously in all cases, we first need to take sex itself seriously.
